


In Bloom

by orphan_account



Category: JBJ (Band)
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, Post-Canon, Slow Burn, post-disbandment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-23
Updated: 2018-05-23
Packaged: 2019-05-13 03:04:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14740845
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Let’s see each other again on a fine day.





	In Bloom

**Author's Note:**

> so, this has been a wip for... a very long time, and then i sat down today and just wrote for hours and i don't know how i feel about this finished product, but at least i finished it, i suppose? it's sort of rushed, and maybe might not make sense, but i'm Tired and i wanted something out for the special day today. so, here we go — the first work for this ship. (i popped ur cherry, callgyun). 
> 
> special thanks to m — thanks for the constant support, i don't know where i'd be without you!!
> 
> happy birthday sanggyun, i love you. ♥

 

_It was beautiful to meet you in bloom_

_You’re so precious to me_

_Don’t forget me, on a fine day_

_I’ll call your name_

 

* * *

 

Tokyo is the very essence of a city that never sleeps.

Sanggyun opens a can of beer, and sits down in a chair in front of his window, soaking in the sound of passing traffic below and the hum of the air conditioner in the background. His gaze, unfocused, sits upon the skyscrapers that lump together in the view before him, and as the harsh glow of Shibuya glares back at him in a stark contrast to the dark skies above, he lets out a long sigh.

He recalls a time years ago, rooming with Yooncheol, a nervous jitter in his bones at the thought of performing before the small crowd of fans they’d managed to gather over a short period of time. A twinge of sadness follows the memory, and he drowns the can before crushing it in a hand and throwing it towards the trash in the corner, as if taking a shot on the court.

It lands straight in, and he opens another one.

His phone buzzes and he eyes the sender name — Kenta — before rolling his eyes and flipping the screen face down. With his other hand, he fumbles with the remote, turning on the television.

_Speak of the devil_ , he thinks to himself with avid amusement as Kenta’s latest CF for some drink winks back at him, and Sanggyun holds up his own beer at the screen in acknowledgement. He shifts through the channels for a while, skipping past a news channel covering the concert happening tomorrow night, the whole reason he’s in the city in the first place — his boys were counting on him. He finally finds an old movie he’s forgotten the name of playing, and half way in concedes to the sleep overwhelming his senses. He crawls into bed, drifting in and out of sleep almost immediately.

He sets an alarm for the morning, and bids himself a good night.

  
☆☆

 

Almost thirty, and yet his future’s never seemed so bleak.

Perhaps _bleak_ isn’t the right word;  however, a certain sadness has settled in his bones, and Sanggyun finds it harder and harder to think of reasons to get out of bed in the morning (or rather afternoon, on the days he’s not scheduled to be in early for a recording). Feeling more and more jaded as time passes by, the frugality of life becomes tiresome, and he wonders how it feels to have purpose these days, something beyond waking up to do a job everyday.

A _dream_. (He had one too, once upon a time).

However, it’d be narrow-minded to say he’s unhappy with the life he’s made — he’s learned to appreciate the quiet, something Kenta still finds disbelieving. It’s simply the timing of it all, making it kinda big so young in life and then feeling displaced when one looking back, comparing it to the simplicity of everyday joys now.

His mother always said it was best to find happiness in the little things.

He’s unsure on how to cure this newfound restlessness, akin to an itch at the tip of his fingers he can’t permanently scratch away, and Sanggyun finds himself looking over his shoulder more when he walks home, finds himself staring out the window to the distance, in search of something he can’t name.

He’d been content. And then something started stirring in the pit of his stomach after he’d read an article on Hyunbin’s new model girlfriend, and then went home to an empty place.

(Perhaps one would call it loneliness).

  
☆☆

 

The roar of the audience still invokes shivers down his spine, an excitement brewing in his bones as he watches lightsticks waved around to the beat, and crying faces of joyful fans stare at their idol in wonderment.

It’s still strange watching it all from the sidelines.

“Good job,” he calls out with a large smile planted upon his lips, patting each boy’s back as they run past him, high off exhilaration.

“You too, hyung!” One calls back, and Sanggyun shakes his head mostly to himself, because he hadn’t really done much at all — he’s just a face among the crowds now, here to support a fellow company label-mate on a favour. The spotlight is no longer a home, not anymore.

He eyes the crowd once more, smile turned wistful, before turning his back to it all.

  
☆☆

 

It’s hard to keep in touch after the contract ends.

JBJ’s fame follows them all like a shadow, and the inevitable becomes reality once they leave the dorms for the last time. Sanggyun finishes his webdrama with Kenta before they’re too off on their own paths like the others, and Sanggyun quickly realizes he’s forgotten what it’s like to be on his own. He spends time in the dance rooms, practicing some choreography his body’s never forgotten, and dedicates the rest to fooling around in the studio. Their promise to stay active in the group chat breaks slowly, but surely, and he deems it another inevitability.

Taehyun falls back into Hotshot promotions once Sungwoon and Hojung are back from their other respective groups, before enlisting a short while after. Hyunbin commits to modeling and acting gigs almost instantaneously, and soon after, his face is plastered everywhere Sanggyun goes and a wistful burst of emotions builds in his chest at the sight, a contentment at the other’s success.

Donghan debuts a few months later with a new group, and Kenta falls into the lifestyle of singing drama OSTs for both the Korean and Japanese genre and watching them chart. He signs with a new Korean company and takes up the role as a dance instructor full time.

And then there’s Yongguk. He drops a full album with Shihyun, before the latter breaks the news of his departure from the industry and decides to focus on his health instead, later heading back to school. Yongguk dabbles as a soloist, dropping his first mini album a year later, and then another a little after that, before taking a sabbatical. It’s been two years since then, and Sanggyun’s seen him the least out of the five.

Sanggyun doesn’t sign back with Hunus once his contract expires, and it’s the end of yet another chapter. His brother fusses with him for a while, worry overflowing within his tone and he hates he’s the reason it’s there in the first place, but knows in his heart this is the right move. His parents accept his decision with sad smiles, and a promise to support whatever his next steps may be — it’s more than he deserves. He hugs the members of Xeno-T tighter than he should, and then, with lingering gazes and eyes crinkled with fatigue, he walks out the door and never turns back.

He feels freer than he has in years.  

  
☆☆

 

“Hi.”

Sanggyun blinks slowly, like a leisurely cat. Yongguk in return offers a small smile, Tolbi curled up asleep in his arms, a small suitcase sitting at his side, and the perplexity feels a bit like vertigo in the moment. The last time he’d seen Yongguk had been at a few reunion dinners back, with vague memories of drinking too much and nuzzling into the crook of the other’s neck in search of warmth, as Kenta and Donghan teamed up to perform karaoke at the other end of the room while the others cheered them on. He doesn’t know how he got home that night, but he’s painfully aware of the fact Yongguk missed the last three dinners since then, citing lame excuses for the first two and then none at all.

“Uh…” They say you can forget how to converse with someone, if you go long enough without doing so, and Sanggyun would argue it’s been a whole lifetime.

“Ah... I should’ve called first, I’m sorry.” Yongguk ducks his head down for a moment in embarrassment, and Sanggyun finally realizes he’s been staring at him without response, quickly shaking his head and moving back to allow him room to enter.

“Oh shit, nah, come in — sorry, I just… I wasn’t expecting…” He trails off, scratching his cheek sheepishly.  The way Yongguk bites down on his bottom lip tells him he gets the idea.

He breezes by, albeit movements still as awkward as always, and Sanggyun catches the scent of something floral, tinted with nostalgia and the tune of _My Flower_ plays at the back of his mind. He sucks in a breath.

“Nice place,” Yongguk says, tone giving nothing away as he slips on the guest slippers and looks around the place. It’s not the biggest, but it’s comfortable and pricey enough, and it’s _home_. There’s an awkward glance as Tolbi meows softly, and he looks for a place to put his suitcase.

“Here,” he offers, reaching out to take the case before Yongguk could protest, and placing it against a wall where it’d still be visible from where they’d sit but not in the way. Yongguk mutters a quiet thanks, crouching down to put Tolbi on the ground, who in return scatters away almost instantly into another room (his nose twitches at the thought of cat hair everywhere, a sneeze building before he clears his throat and ignores the concept of a walking allergy ball running around his place — nothing he hasn’t dealt with before, eight years prior).

“Coffee? Tea? Beer?” He asks on his way to the kitchen, and from his peripheral he sees the other hesitate before trailing behind him.

“None, thank you.”

“Coffee, then,” he says, ignoring the answer and recalling the other’s preference. He hears a sigh, before Yongguk mumbles in the affirmation, and a wave of satisfaction rolls over Sanggyun. _Victory._

As he gets the coffeemaker started, he waves a hand over at the kitchen island seats, joining Yongguk a moment after two cups have been pulled out and are sitting in wait before the machine, and he eyes the container to ensure he still has some sugar cubes.

“ _Sooo_ ,” he begins, leaning up against the counter on the opposite side of Yongguk, “don’t take this the wrong way, but what are you doing here, dude?”

A silence, and Sanggyun lets his gaze fall onto Yongguk’s crossed arms where they rest on his belly, eyeing the rings and the small tattoo on the side of his middle finger — he can’t see it well, but it’s a newer addition. At some point, he begins tapping the counter impatiently, and Yongguk finally sighs, running a hand across his face, before making a decision.

“Can I stay here?” Sanggyun stops the tapping. “You can say no, no pressure. I can stay at a hotel or something. Actually, nevermind, don’t worry about it.”

“Yeah,” He butts in, “No worries, man. I’ll set up the guestroom right now.”

He doesn’t ask why Yongguk can’t stay with Shihyun, his supposingly _best friend,_ or even one of the other members because he’s pretty sure they’re the least closest out of the six. It’s too complicated, and he knows the other only blabs when he gets nervous to a high degree, evident in the way Yongguk lets out a relieved breath.

“Thanks hyung, I’ll be out of here shortly, I swear.”

  
☆☆

 

_“Yongguk?_ ” Taehyun asks over the phone, surprise blatant within his tone. Sanggyun can relate. _“At your place?_ ”

“Yeah. Not gonna lie, I was surprised too...”

_“But?_ ” Classic Taehyun.

“But nothing. We’ve been hanging out, and it’s been kinda fun.” It surprises him just how much, unsure if he’s ever felt this abundance of comfort in the other’s presence, even when they shared the same home for months. “He’s different.”

_“Oh?”_ He’s silent for a moment. _“How so?_ ”

A baby cries in the distance, and he hears Taehyun coo softly. A flash of amusement runs through him at the thought of the older male trying to comfort his young nephew — though he’s always had a way with kids.

“I don’t know, hyung… it’s just… _easier_ or whatever,” He says lamely, running a hand through his disheveled hair as he kicks at one of Tolbi’s toy laying in front of him. It’s true though; Sanggyun’s not sure he’s ever felt more at ease with the other since his reappearance — casual nights spent in front of the television as they watch a cooking show from their respective sides of the couch, or drinking hot chocolate at 3am as they play a game of Overwatch (and he loses, 8/10 times), or even coming home from the studio to find dinner on the table and the smell of his favourite dishes engulfing the air. He’s forgotten what it’s like living a domestic lifestyle, since his last girlfriend stopped staying over and he went back to the life of a bachelor in his sponsored apartment among the clouds.

He’s not sure he wants it to change.

_“Huh. How long’s he—_ **_Taejun, don’t eat that_ ** _— sorry, but yeah, how long’s he staying? No offence dude, but you’re the last person I’d expect him to visit._ ”

_You’re telling me,_ he thinks to himself.

“Dunno. Didn’t ask.”

_“Huh,”_ the other repeats, and Sanggyun narrows his eyes, pausing in his pacing around the room.

“So, you gonna spit it out, or are we playing ‘guess what I’m thinking right now’?” He pauses, before adding in a “hyung” at the end of the statement with little thought.

“Nah, it’s nothing.”

_“Dude.”_

“Don’t worry about it. Hey, look I gotta go, but have fun playing house with Yongguk. Peace.” He hangs up before the protest can leave Sanggyun’s mouth. _House?_

“Who was that?”

Sanggyun curses, jumping a foot in the air in surprise. With a hand clutching the area over his heart, he turns to Yongguk with a look of accusation. Amusement travels over the other’s expression as he bites into the apple in his hand, and Sanggyun bristles before answering.

“Taehyun hyung. Just checking in or something, I guess.” He wants to ask if he’d heard any of the conversation, a nervous tick at the back of his mind as he tries to replay his words in his head, before giving up.

A strange look passes over Yongguk’s face. “Didn’t know you guys still talked.”

Sanggyun stares. “Didn’t know you didn’t.” He wonders what it means — if Yongguk had dropped all of them before going back to China, if it hadn’t been just him like he’d figured. Guilt flashes through the younger’s eyes and he realizes he’s hit a sore spot, but there’s no taking back the words now, not as Yongguk turns away a little dejected without saying another word. Sanggyun stares at his retreating form with a troubled mind, and words unformed on his lips.

  
☆☆

 

_“—ere there’s a start, there’ll be an end; and where there’s an end, there’ll be a start again. I don’t know what form that start will take, but I was happy, and I personally hope that we can be happy together in the future too. Up until now I was thankful, and please take care of me in the future too.”_

_Taehyun looks to the crowds with a sad smile, tears in his eyes and Sanggyun swallows back the lump in his throat. His vision is blurry and there’s something wet on his cheeks but he can’t be bothered to wipe it away, not when he’s busy focusing on the moment, on everything that really mattered — he knows it with every fibre in his body that the loud sobs and cheers from the fans will haunt him for years to come, and for a minute, he wonders what he’d done in a past life to deserve this; to finally hold happiness in the palm of his hands once more, only for it to be snatched away without a remorseful glance back._

_God could be so cruel._

He wakes up crying.

  
☆☆

 

“Yonggukkie’s back and you didn’t even tell me!” The accusation is clear in Kenta’s voice, as he pushes past Sanggyun and makes his way into the sitting room. Sanggyun’s still frozen in his doorway before reality catches up to him, and he’s shutting his door, trailing after the other. He crosses his arms against his chest, and ignores how his brow threatens to twitch as the other male plops carelessly onto his couch.

“I thought you knew — it’s been a while now.” He travels over to his fridge to grab two bottles of whatever he can get a hand on first, and is back within moments to see the frown grow on Kenta’s face.

“I literally found out like, an hour ago, thanks to Taehyun hyung. Thanks for that, by the way.” He glares at Sanggyun as the latter’s passing a bottle over, before holding up a hand as if readying a defense.

“Listen, dude; I thought Yongguk already told you. Plus you and I haven’t even talked in a while.”

“And who’s fault is that?” _Ouch_. Sanggyun winces. "Speaking of which, we never go this long without talking."

“Okay, okay. You got me there.” He’s silent for a moment, taking a large gulp of the lemon drink and ignoring Kenta's statement of worry, before scrunching his nose up at the sour aftertaste that follows. “Did you seriously not know?”

Kenta throws up both hands, his drink slightly spilling out onto his hands but he doesn’t seem to notice much in his faux rage. “No! I haven’t even talked to him since he disappeared. No one has — other than Shihyun, _maybe_ — but you’re like, the first person to lay eyes on him in years, Gyun.”

Sanggyun blinks slowly, once, twice, his drink paused in front of his mouth. _What?_

“I-I didn’t know that.” He shifts his eyes to the television, his show having finishing and the new one eight minutes in now. Sanggyun swallows inaudibly. When he looks back in Kenta’s direction, there’s a look in his eyes that Sanggyun can’t work out, but it resembles something close to pity.

He doesn’t get it.

“Ken—”

The front door opens and a “Hyung, I’m home” floats down the corridor. His heart skips a beat as he calls out a “in here!” in the other’s direction, looking back to see a knowing look on Kenta’s face.

He swallows.

“Kenta hyung?” The surprise is evident on Yongguk’s face, as a smile grows on his face and Sanggyun ignores the way his own grows at the sight.

“Kim Yongguk… you have some explaining to do.” Kenta’s tone is dead serious, but the way he approaches the other and wraps his arms around him tightly says the most. A melancholic feeling he’s grown familiar with over the years, returns to settle in the center of his ribs and Sanggyun feels a bit like an outsider in his own home. Kenta's words resonate within his head, tumbling around and he slowly concludes he needs to get some air. He grabs his phone and wallet and mutters a ‘I’m going out,’ ignoring how Kenta calls out behind him as the door slams shut.

  
☆☆

 

Thursdays are movie nights. It's a sort of unsaid tradition, but both of them have come to work around it — Sanggyun knows to keep track of time on said day and not lounge around like he usually would, trying to catch a beat, and he always comes home to find Yongguk already home, popcorn ready to pop the moment he strolls through the door.

It's rather domestic, but he kinda likes it.

"Iron Man? Again?"

"Is that even a question? RDJ is a cinematic legend, Yonggukkie. Plus, the movie that starts off the MCU's continuous success? One centered around the man himself, mister Tony Stark? Heck yeah, we're watching Iron Man again."

Yongguk mutters a quiet 'nerd' under his breath, and perhaps he should feel insulted — after all, this is coming from the man who still plays video games until the brink of dawn and reads manga in Shihyun's café, just so he can lounge around with Lucy and the other cats — but he chooses to ignore it, instead plopping onto the couch and watching as the open credits start to play.

Yongguk comes around with the bowl of popcorn and sits on his respective side of the couch and it's only when Sanggyun hears the other chewing, does he realize the bowl is nowhere near him.

"Scoot closer, bro." Yongguk stares at him. "Come _onnn_ , I'm hungry."

"Maybe you should pop your own bowl next time," The other grumbles, but he's knows it's in good faith, for Sanggyun's habit to leech off others was widely known to all those that knew him. Yongguk moves over none-the-less, until he's close enough that Sanggyun can smell his own shampoo come from Yongguk's direction, and for a moment, he stops breathing. He stares for a minute, at Yongguk's wet hair to his face and then again, but stays mum despite the pleased feeling stirring in the pit of his stomach. There's something about appealing about the idea although he's not sure he could answer why if asked. A loud shout comes from the screen, and Sanggyun swallows, suddenly feeling parched, before turning back towards the movie.

He's not sure what to make of things.

At some point, he starts to nod off despite his initial excitement at the movie chosen (perhaps he'd underestimated how tired he was, and perhaps he's a little stubborn when it comes to getting his way) and blinks awake once the final action sequence has already half finished. There's not much left to the movie, and Sanggyun turns to inform Yongguk he's turning in early, but the other's asleep too, having nodded off himself sometime after him, he figures, letting out a little exasperated sigh full of affection.

_Cute_.

Yongguk's head's leaning back against the top of the couch, quiet breathing informing Sanggyun he was as deep into his slumber as he looked. He should turn off the television, get the other a blanket, and head to his own room, but instead his eyes trail over Yongguk's expression. The other's chest falls up and down slowly and Sanggyun's breathing synchronizes with his almost automatically. He notices properly perhaps for the first time, just how _gentle_ the other’s features were, akin to a porcelain doll, and reacting impulsively, his hand reaches out to stroke Yongguk's hair, with just the ghost of a touch.

Yongguk's eyes blink open.

"Wh—" He jumps back from the couch. Feet now planted on the ground and a hand clutching the area over his heart, Sanggyun struggles to catch his breath. _What the fuck, has he been awake this whole time?_

He quickly falls into a small laugh, albeit a pitch too high and he hope he doesn’t sound too fake, a hand coming up to massage the back of his neck sheepishly. "I thought you were asleep."

Yongguk yawns, stretching his arms and legs and offering a little "I was" in return. Tolbi makes a noise from the corner of the room, and Sanggyun locks eyes with the cat, the stare enabling a shiver to run up his spine at the idea of the cat watching his every move all this time (frankly he’s a little embarrassed to be caught; he finds himself glad cats can't talk).

Tolbi moves closer until he can jump into Yongguk's awaiting arms, and Sanggyun can only watch the other strokes his pet's fur gently, before Yongguk turns to offer a fleeting glance. "Good night, hyung." And with that, he's disappeared into his room down the hall and Sanggyun's left staring at the spot where he’d been.

_Jesus_.

  
☆☆

 

“I should get a dog,” He says with narrowed eyes trained on Tolbi. The cat hisses at him, paw held up threatening and Sanggyun wonders why he puts up with it at all. “Then it’ll be all over for you, brat.”

Sanggyun grumbles quietly to himself, running a hand over his face before sighing. He crouches down to closer to the ground, eyes trained on Tolbi’s as he slowly extends a hand in his direction. Tolbi stares at it, anger forgotten, before letting out a quiet purr, and Sanggyun takes it as permission. A hand slowly pets the top of Tolbi’s head, and judging by the drawn out purrs, he gives himself a mental pat on the back.

It’s a time reminiscence of years back in the JBJ dorm, where despite how much he tried to stay away, he’d always somehow get roped into helping out with the cats when Yongguk was away or busy. A small echo of nostalgia tickles at the back of his mind, and he smiles begrudgingly down at the feline.

“Where’s your dad, you ruthless, cute monster?” Tolbi meows as he presses his head against Sanggyun’s fingers before lying back on his back, and Sanggyun raises a brow.

“You’re still annoying,” he mutters, but resigns to his fate, petting his belly the way he knows Tolbi likes him from all the time spent watching Yongguk ooze with love for his pet.

Tolbi stares at him, and Sanggyun swears he can hear him thinking _you whipped fool._

He begrudgingly agrees.

  
☆☆

 

Then there’s the _other_ thing they do every once in a while. Sitting outside on the building’s roof, staring at stars. However, Sanggyun’s mostly just staring at Yongguk, the way his eyes shine brighter than the lights blinking above them. He’s not sure when the other had begun to occupy his mind more and more as time passed, but now here’s a Yongguk shaped spot in the core of his heart, his very being, and he’s not sure what he’ll do when he leaves.

He’s afraid to find out.

“Why’d you leave?” He’s managed to pull his eyes away, to plant them upon the luminous moon whose light engulfs him like a blanket. He sees Yongguk look at him through his peripheral, but he doesn’t shift, holding in a breath.

“Do you… ever feel like you’re wandering without purpose?” Sanggyun turns to him, curious. Yongguk’s staring at his feet now, but a bitter and grim smile sits upon his lips. “After JBJ, I thought things would fall into place eventually, you know? I’d go back home and prepare for another debut and then live my life doing what I’ve always wanted to do.” He stops for a minute, leaning back now on his hands to stare at the sky, and Sanggyun finds he can’t remember how to breathe.

“But what do you do when your house isn’t a home anymore? When there's this... emptiness that's eating its way inside you? There’s so much I wanted to do, but then…” The struggle is evident on his features, as he runs a hand through his hair a little harshly, the way he does when he’s exhausted with whatever he’ll say next. Finally, Yongguk turns to him, and there’s emotion watering in his eyes and Sanggyun feels an ache in his chest. “I’m tired, hyung. I feel so alone.”

And then the moment breaks as he shrugs, looking away, but Sanggyun doesn’t want him to build his walls back up again, not when he’d finally gotten in. He reaches out, taking the other’s hand in his own and Yongguk looks at him, really _looks_ and he feels naked under his gaze, the way it pierces into his eyes as if searching for something he’d never known to look for before.

And then he smiles, soft, and the butterflies in Sanggyun’s stomach rejoice at the sight.

_You’re not alone._

  
☆☆

 

“I like you.”

Sanggyun stares at him. Yongguk stares back, eyes earnest and he wants to believe him, has a feeling he should despite the knowledge if this were anyone else, he’d be laughing off the statement with a nudge. A smile grows against his lips, “good,” and he turns his attention back to the game.

“‘cause I think you’re cute.” He hears Yongguk choke, and a slightly sinister snicker racks his body, a hand coming up to cover his lips. _Too predictable._ Next thing he knows, however, he’s been shoved and finds himself sprawled out across the ground, owlish look stretching across his features in mild shock. He blinks, staring up at Yongguk’s wry smile, the way his eyes twinkle like they had once upon a dream onstage, before he turns away.

“It’s your turn to make dinner.”

Cue the signature grumbling, but Sanggyun gets up nevertheless and makes his way to the kitchen.

It doesn’t hit him till it’s too late for it to be night, yet too early to declare it morning, whilst rustling around in bed and too aware of the fact only a wall separated him from the very reason he lays awake staring at his ceiling — that he’s twenty-eight years old, somehow living with his ex-group mate that he hadn’t seen in years, but acting as if he’s seventeen and naive to the meaning of love. There’s an ache in his chest at the thought of asking for more, a fear crawling at the edge of his heart, venomous at the idea of giving it up for someone who doesn’t even know what he wants.

He wonders when things got so complicated.

  
☆☆

 

“Yo, Kim.” He takes off his headphones and turns his chair to find a fellow labelmate grinning at him. _She’s pretty,_ he thinks absently to himself as he waves a greeting. “Dinner tonight?”

It’s not a foreign request, they’d had dinner together countless times, every few months when a lull would fall in their dating lives and a form of comfort was needed without the commitment. He grunts, eyes running over the lyrics on the pad in front of him.

“Can’t, gotta work.”

“C’mon, you’ve been working overtime the whole week. Let’s get a drink, relax a little. It’ll be fun.” He can hear the slight pout in her voice, and he rolls his eyes to himself albeit affectionately. He jolts a little as a hand sits itself upon his shoulder, and he looks up from the paper to find her leaning in just a little, the same pout now visible on her lips. “Please?”

Jieun pauses, a thoughtful look passing over her features. “Unless you’re seeing someone right now?”

The question of the decade, wasn’t it?

“No,” He says, shaking his head. A feeling twists in his gut. “Still as eligible as ever.”

“And just as impossible to tie to down,” She laughs, and Sanggyun chuckles alongside her uneasily. “No excuses then. The usual at 8? You better be there, I’ll be waiting!”

She’s gone before he can refuse, left staring at the door as the concept of plans tonight finally settles in. He groans quietly.

  
☆☆

 

“Plans tonight?” Yongguk throws over his shoulder as he crouches down to stroke Tolbi’s back gently. Even Sanggyun can tell he misses the rest of his feline family, and for a moment, he wonders where they would all fit in the picture — Sanggyun, with his allergies that cause a stuffy nose and itchy eyes as he soon as he passes the threshold and a sneezing fit during the time things go bump in the night, and Yongguk with his ever-growing family of cats, most of whom now resided at Shihyun’s little cat café. He wonders if he misses them.

“Yeah,” he says, fidgeting with his tie with a small grimace on his features at the thought of wearing it all night, “Got a date.”

If Yongguk freezes for a moment, Sanggyun doesn’t notice. The younger male simply hums in lieu of a response after some time passes, before letting Tolbi jump out of his hands and slowly crossing the room to help him with his tie. Sanggyun blinks as Yongguk slides closer, letting his arms fall to his side and taking a short breaths because _why the fuck does Yongguk smell so good all the time?_

“Thanks.”

“Yeah. Have fun on your date, hyung.” And with a lingering look and a pat on Sanggyun’s chest, he turns and exits the room without even a glance back, leaving Sanggyun craving a warmth that was never his and a perfectly adjusted tie sitting where it belongs.

  
☆☆

 

“So, who’s the lucky gal?” Jieun asks later that night, a knowing expression plastered against gentle features, and Sanggyun halts mid-bite.

“Huh?”

“You look like you’d rather be somewhere else rather than here, and for the sake of my ego, I’m gonna say you’ve found someone.” She raises a brow expectantly, and Sanggyun wonders when he’d become so easily to read.

He chuckles. “There’s no one. Like you said earlier, impossible to tie down and all that shit.” He doesn’t count on the bitterness that follows. Jieun narrows her eyes.

_“Gyun.”_

He sighs, long and withdrawn, dropping his fork into his plate and leaning back in his seat. “Okay, okay." He struggles for a moment, before spitting it out. "My roommate.”

“Damn, I didn’t know you had a roomie. What’s her name?” Sanggyun purses his lips. Jieun leans forward, a spark of excitement igniting in her eyes. “His name?”

“Yongguk.” He doesn’t expect the name to fall so easily from his lips, followed closely by a freeing sensation because it’s out there now, he can’t take it back. The honesty’s a little unsettling, because he’s been running from the truth for so long, ever since the other had stumbled back into his life and thrown normalcy into shambles.

It still scares him.

Jieun stares at him in silence, the quiet buzz of the restaurant settling around them, before she leans back herself. She’s not an idiot, he’s talked about his group on multiple occasions now, first out of drunken sadness, and then later because they’ll always be apart of his life, as sure as the sun rises every morning to meet the clouds in the sky.

“Wow, so he’s back.”

“Hmm. Been a while now.”

“And you haven’t told him?” He wants to ask what, but he knows the answer already, they both do.

“Nah.”

She shakes her head, picking up her wine glass and bringing it to rouge lips. “You’re an idiot.”

He hums in agreement.

  
☆☆

 

He makes it home earlier than he normally would tonight, Jieun sending him off with a kiss on the cheek and a whisper tickling his ear. _Let yourself be happy._ (He’s not sure he knows how).

However, the lights are all turned off when he gets inside, save for the kitchen and a bottle of water and a hangover remedy sit on the counter, remencise of a time a few years ago.

The last time he’d seen Yongguk before he left.

A burst of panic bubbles in his throat, and he’s ready to call out the other’s name, fearful he’s already gone. A _meow_ comes behind him, and Sanggyun spins quickly before his whole body sighs in relief. Yongguk wouldn’t leave without Tolbi, he’s still here. The weight behind the rush of emotions is something he knows he needs to figure out, something he’s been avoiding.

“Go to bed, kid,” He says crouching down to pet the feline in the way he knows he likes it. Tolbi purrs appreciatively, before running off, and Sanggyun decides it’s time for bed.

Feelings could be dealt with tomorrow.

  
☆☆

 

“Good morning!” He chirps, feeling rather good despite how early he’s up considering the time he’d gone to bed. Yongguk jolts a little in his seat, before offering a small smile. “Morning hyung.”

“Thanks for the breakfast, Yonggukie. It looks great.” He plops into the seat in front of him, picking up a plate and piling food up, suddenly ravenous. The other shrugs.

“It’s the least I can do. You won’t even let me pay rent.” Sanggyun waves him off.

“What kinda friend would I be? Chill, Guk.” He doesn’t notice the frown settle at _Friend,_ gaze falling.

“Yeah, well still. Thanks for having me, hyung, it’s been fun.” Sanggyun grins, working out a retort but the younger male continues without sparing him a glance, eyes fixated on his plate in front of him. “I should be out of your way by the end of the week, hopefully.”

His blood runs cold.

“Oh,” he hears himself say, and it’s kinda pathetic, isn’t it? Getting attached so quickly, finding comfort in the presence of someone who had no intention of settling down by his side. He should say the words, ask him to stay, and a voice at the back of his head says Yongguk's waiting for him too.

He clears his throat, fake laugh escaping through his lips. “Take your time, Yonggukkie. No rush. Damn, guess I can convert the extra room into a gym now, work on these guns.”

“Yeah, guess you can.” Yongguk gets up, placing his dishes into the sink and turning away without looking once in Sanggyun’s direction. “Gotta go.”

And then he’s gone with the wind, taking Sanggyun’s appetite with him. He pushes away his plate, and rubs at his face. “Fuck.”

  
☆☆

 

“Stop calling me.” Sanggyun bristles at the annoyance in Kenta’s tone.

“I just—”

“I know what you want, and he’s not home. Nor does he want to talk to you.” Sanggyun pauses, arching a brow at no one in particular, his empty apartment dead silent.

“Are you saying that, or is he?” He demands.

Silence.

“What did you say to him?” Kenta finally asks, a hint of suspicion in his voice, and for once, Sanggyun finds himself _highly_ undeserving of it.

“Nothing! I swear — I just… He… I don’t know what happened. He just left,” he says lamely, frustration evident in his voice as he runs a hand over his face.

“Well… it’s been two weeks and Yongguk hasn’t said anything either. I bet he thinks I haven’t noticed, but he looks a little sad whenever he thinks no one’s looking.”

“You sure you didn’t fuck up, hyung?” A voice says in the background, and Kenta hushes him softly, but it’s undeniably Donghan there. A crude smile grows on his lips.

“Kim Donghan, huh?”

“Shut up.”

“I didn’t say anything.”

“Anyways, fix it, you idiot,” Kenta says, choosing to ignore the new topic at hand for the old one. “Yongguk’s always been more on the quiet side, but you’re not so different when it comes down to the nitty gritty. Talk to him — _before_ he goes back to China again, but this time for good.”

Sanggyun sits up almost immediately, a million thoughts running through his mind. _“What?_ You’re fucking with me; did he say something?”

“No,” Kenta replies, nonchalant. The humour has returned to the other’s voice, and Sanggyun restrains himself from throwing his phone across the room, “Just wanted to see how you’d react.”

“Fuck you.”

“Love you too,” retorts the other in a sing-song voice, and Sanggyun rolls his eyes, but a small smile works its way onto his lips.  

“But I’m just saying, it’s not completely off the table — you know how he is. If he decides he’s not wanted, wanderlust will strike eventually, and this time we might never see him again. And no matter how dumb you can be, I don’t want you to regret doing nothing. Not this time.”

He has a point, whether Sanggyun wants to admit it to himself or not, and he sighs, long and withdrawn before chuckling wearily. “Yeah. I guess you’re right.”

“Of course I am, one of us has to be. Especially if we’re forever, right?” The words invoke a genuine spark of affection and warmth he hasn’t felt in a while, and he smiles to himself, head leaning back against the foot of the couch and eyes trailing up to stare at his ceiling.

“Right.”

  
☆☆

 

Life continues after Yongguk leaves. Of course it does.

Nothing changes much; he still goes to work, he still watches cooking shows while he eats dinner in front of the tv, he still thinks Iron Man’s the most iconic MCU film. Yet, it also means he still opens his mouth to say something to someone who’s not there anymore, he can’t watch Iron Man without remembering the smell of his shampoo and body heat radiating from someone beside him whilst Tolbi naps in the corner of the room, and he still has a Yongguk-shaped presence in his chest.

He ignores it the best he can. One might say he closed his heart off when the idol life shut its doors to somebody who had been ingrained in the world for so long; when he'd craved the spotlight and a chance to prove himself, only to be disappointed again and again. Sanggyun's used to heartbreak, he's felt it all his life, throughout life-changing segments.

So yeah, life kinda fucking sucks.

Yet it’s not until Hyunbin texts him, after a year of silence ( _Coward._ Followed by: _He’s leaving tonight._ ) does Sanggyun realize how much he actually fucked up.

A plan formulates as he leaves work; the fastest route to the airport, calling Kenta for details on where to go, what he’ll say. He makes it to the parking lot, and into his car before he freezes. Rejection has always had a presence within his thoughts, made a home there with all the pain, and perhaps that’s why instead his body turns on autopilot and drives out of there. He goes home, crawls into bed, and does what he always does — he hides.

Hyunbin’s right, he is a coward.

  
☆☆

 

“Hi.” There’s a sense of deja-vu that follows the greeting, and Sanggyun stares at Yongguk with his mouth slightly agape.

“I thought you left,” he croaks, sleep and emotion ridden in his tone, and Sanggyun wonders for a moment if he’s dreaming. Yongguk shrugs.

“I was. Got to the airport and everything.” A pause, and the struggle is visible on Yongguk’s features, as he searches for the right words to say. “Can I come in?”

Sanggyun’s eyes narrow, but he moves back eventually, making room for the other to walk through, shutting the door as soon as he’s inside. He’s not sure what Yongguk’s doing here, but he can’t deny his presence invokes a sense of nervousness and excitement (he didn’t _leave_ ) in him that he’s not sure how to approach.

Instead he moves almost on autopilot, towards the kitchen until the kettle’s set and stares directly at it while his ears zone in on how Yongguk’s rustling around him, taking a seat at the exact spot he’d been the first time he rolled back into Sanggyun’s life.

He swallows back a laugh, a bitter taste in his mouth.

They sit in silence, once Sanggyun’s poured them both a cup, and made Yongguk’s the way he likes it — one cream, two sugars — sliding it in his direction without sparing a glance.

“Can we talk?” Yongguk says eventually, and Sanggyun puts his cup down.

“Why didn’t you go home?” He demands, and Yongguk’s brow twitches. _Go big or go home._

He doesn’t acknowledge the way slight panic arises upon the younger man’s features, like how they haven’t acknowledged the growing tension in the room, settling in a way that’s almost suffocating. Yongguk looks as if he’s fighting a battle within himself, before he lets out a heavy sigh, shoulder slumping as if he’s been defeated.

“I told you, hyung. I like you.” He stutters slightly on the L word and Sanggyun would comment on it, if he could remember how to _breathe_ at the moment.

“I don’t know. Donghan and Kenta hyung dropped me off, but then... “ He fists his hair gently, groaning as in exasperation. “I don’t know! I felt like I couldn’t leave and then I told myself I was being dumb, but I missed my flight, and instead of sticking around for the next one, I got in a cab and ended up here.”

He chuckles bitterly, running a hand through his hair and Sanggyun’s still mute, eyes fixated on Yongguk’s form.

“I don’t know,” he says for the third time, this time softer and laced with a sudden tiredness. “Should I leave?”

Sanggyun shakes his head. “Where’s Tolbi?”

“He wasn’t feeling too well and I didn’t want to risk it, so Hyunbin has him.” Sanggyun nods slowly, acting as if Tolbi was really the concern on his mind. Although, it’s not to say he _doesn’t_ care about the cat — he’s grown… attached over time.

“So, you’re staying?”

“Yeah. I guess that’s the plan.”

“Where are you going to live?” Yongguk shrugs.

“Dunno. Kenta hyung will probably let me crash for a bit, then I’ll see from there.”

“Uh-huh." Sanggyun swallows. "And do you… _wanna_ stay there?” Almost thirty and they’re still shit at communication. Yongguk seems lost in the distance, gaze planted on something Sanggyun can’t figure out, and he holds his breath in wait of a answer. After a moment, Yongguk bites down on his bottom lip, but doesn’t meet his eyes.

“No,” he answers properly. “Donghan’s almost always there, and he gets on my nerves.”

A lie. Yongguk shrugs again. “And it’s boring there. Plus I think Tolbi likes it better with you.” Another lie, one even Sanggyun picks up on quickly, answering with a small disbelieving scoff and there’s a hint of a smile tugging at the edge of Yongguk’s lips, soon hidden behind his cup.

“Sooo, you wanna move in? With me? Permanently.” Yongguk looks nervous at his words, as if he hadn’t seen his request to be as bold as it was.

“Sure, we can do that,” he says breezily, shrugging slightly, but it’s obvious he’s avoiding Yongguk’s eyes, looking past him to fixate on something in the corner. He drowns half of his drink in one large sip for liquid courage (does it still count if it’s slightly cold coffee?), before taking a breath, nerves working double time as he tries to formulate a response. “Under one condition.”

Yongguk just stares at him for a moment, before offering a tense nod, and Sanggyun wonders what he’s thinking. He can see the slight fear in his eyes, the dejection forming at the pupils and there’s this sudden urge to laugh; wonders for a moment if it’s his own feelings being reflected back at him. “Don’t leave again.”

He hears the way Yongguk’s breath hitches.

Despite the steely front he’d been trying for, the vulnerability is there in his tone, a tiredness in the way his shoulders sag once the words leave his mouth, a request that had held much weight from where it had sat upon his tongue for ages now, asking to be said. He wonders how obvious the intended _me_ is in the statement, _Don’t leave me again,_ and Sanggyun’s throat runs dry. He’s counting on Yongguk to say no, expects it at this point, but at least he did it, took the step he’s holding himself back from for God knows how long — now there’s no turning back, nowhere left to hide.  

_Shit_.      

Sanggyun swallows. “No pressure or whatever. You can say no — _duh_ — but I’m just saying, asking… I don’t know.” He pauses, and Yongguk has yet to say anything, his gaze piercing upon Sanggyun’s features.

“Okay.”

Sanggyun almost doesn’t stop, his processing time operating at a slower pace than usual, and it’s a moment before he catches him, before the words sink in and he freezes. Half out of his seat by now, he doubts whether he heard him right, but curiosity is a hungry monster, consuming his senses as he slowly sits back down, uncertain. His eyes finally settle upon Yongguk’s, a clear question in his eyes, and Yongguk only smiles.

“Uh… sorry, I didn’t catch what you said, or whatever — repeat that?”

“I like you too, hyung.”

  
☆☆

 

("So, you like me, huh?"

"Something tells me I'm gonna regret telling you that."

"Probably, but no take backs now, babe. You're stuck with me.")

Perhaps happily ever afters are cheesy, but as Sanggyun looks over at Yongguk snuggled in on his side, with Tolbi curled up in his arms, maybe they're alright.

 

* * *

 

_If I fade away after tonight_

_It’s not the end_

_Don’t forget me. remember me_

_I’ll call you again_

 

_END._

 

**Author's Note:**

> this is also dedicated to all joyfuls, and the boys themselves. thank you for a wonderful few months, boys, i love you and joyfuls so much. thank you for the memories, and here's to the many more to come in the future — joyful forever ♥.


End file.
